Sunday, November 18, 2007

Is it my breath?

So what happened to this post?

For those of you who were here earlier, I wrote this in a time of anger and hurt. Sometimes those we love can damage us far more than those who are our real enemies. I expressed that pain here and in doing so, I was able to release it.

It's time is over now, however, so it's time to retire this post, so it doesn't cause hurt of its own in ways I don't intend. Thanks for reading.


Anonymous said...

I don't think you were wrong to feel hurt OR angry.

That said, I can't tell you if it's inappropriate for your mother to go somewhere else or not. I'm trying to see her side of the story, too...

(Sometimes I have to play devil's advocate.)

Beanie said...


I told her that I thought, given her feelings, it would be best if she went with her friend for the day. I'm certainly not going to feel happy with her there on Thanksgiving, knowing she doesn't want to be there. No sense in all of us being unhappy.

I'm just hurt, you know?

ptooey said...

Ahh, the holidays. Nothing like the perfect setup for hurt feelings. Sorry, B.

For what it's worth, I'm dealing with the guilt of inviting my 87 year old grandma to Thanksgiving at our house and hoping more than anything that she declines. I'm awful.

bhd said...

Oh sweet Bean - mucho hugs from both of us. I can totally understand your hurt. I felt a bit the same way when my mother chose to die to be with Dad, rather than be with us, her own children, whom we assumed she loved at least somewhat. It felt something like betrayal. All of us had feelings summed up thusly: "But what about me?"

The flip side of that is those years that she hosted holidays and made it a living nightmare. Christmas Eve dinner, a blizzard, the governor declaring a state of emergency and my mother having a holy shit fit that I wasn't going to drive my 1977 Honda Civic across the state. How dare I spoil her holiday dinner! So what did I do? I took my life in my hands. She was all sorts of contrite when I asked her why she wanted me dead on the highway, but she'd gotten what she wanted.

You can't gauge "aversion to crowds" against "love of daughter". It's apples an oranges.

I'm rambling. But I will venture to say that your holiday is likely to be a tad better with your mother not there. Meaning: you will be the only one suffering, and you'd be suffering anyway (along with several other people) if she stayed. But you know all this.

She's losing out, that's for sure, but if she's not capable of enjoying legendary turkey, well, it is what it is. Good for you for telling her how you feel and letting the chips fall where they may. It's all you can do, really.

Even though I know there's nothing even remotely like "fair" I want to tell you that what just happened to you is not fair and you didn't deserve it. Much love, kiddo.

winter said...

I agree with Alison - I'd have felt hurt and angry, too. She's your mom, living under your roof, and she still feels like she needs to be somewhere else for Thanksgiving.

Left to my own devices, I'd stay home and have an nice pot roast for Thanksgiving. (Nothing against turkey, I just don't have a big freezer.) I have aunts, uncles, and cousins galore here in town, and they always get together on the far side of town for holidays. They're okay people, but I can't help thinking that if we weren't related we'd have nothing to do with each other - and we'd all feel okay about that.

Family is strange and complicated. But you knew that.

Sorry, Beanie. *hug*

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it's completely inappropriate for her to spend the day elsewhere. But, so what? She's lived long enough to spend the day the way she prefers. Send her on her way with a clear conscience for yourself and the assurance to her that she's welcome to stay should she change her mind.

Pointed questions are rude. I consider you to be charming enough to divert anyone who pushes too hard, especially as it's none of their business.

The Mo was fighting to help me write this, so I hope it makes sense.

Mkae said...

Family members have the amazing ability to cut us deeper than anything else. I think you're totally justified in your feelings. You know that I'm undergoing similar things with my mom. Her and my sister contrived, behind my back, to move her back to Virginia. This would completely disrupt the medical treatment that we're in the middle of for her. I found out the night before the SCHEDULED moving truck was going to take her stuff. Literally, I would have found out when her stuff was on the way and she was calling me for a ride to the airport. So yeah, I understand how you're feeling, especially when you try your best to make your mom's life the best it can be.

Best of luck on Thursday. I'll be thinking about you.

Mississippi Songbird said...

Beanie, I don't know what to say.. Just a little while ago.. I felt so overwhelmed here at my home, I called my sister and I said I just wanted to leave. I didn't want to be around anyone..My husband had called earlier and said, just today that he had invited his family..Huge family.. Today.. I had no warning..eek...Needless to say..the stress began..( I negotiated out of the hosting bit though)
so... it's probably the crowd of folks that she doesn't want to deal with, and she feels if she is there, that she will be obligated to stay around them..

Anyway.. I know you are hurt.. I'm so sorry.. Just give your Momma lots of love and hugs...
Try to have a good Thanksgiving..

Susan B said...

hey beanie,

i can't tell you how much i appreciate your open, raw posting. family is so weird, and hard. i love my parents but don't want to spend any time with them... this thanksgiving, like most, my husband's family will be with us. not all of them, though, just some of them.

i think if i were you, knowing how she feels, i'd want your mom to go with her friend... otherwise you'll feel awful all day and she'll probably pout. i swear, the older our parents get, the more like our children they become.

best of luck, dear!


Anonymous said...

Maybe your mom suffers in ways you cannot understand.

The mind can be a terrible thing. For some, seeing others enjoy a family gathering is a harsh reminder of their own personal failings.

Don't take your mom's behavior as a personal attack. It sounds as though it is her way of protecting herself from her own demons. And if your mother has demons, it stands to figure your sister does too. While you may all be from the same family, how each of you has evolved cannot be expected to be the same. Your coping methods could be wildly different.

Bless you for doing your best to handle what must be a difficult and painful challenge.

rebecca said...

i'm a couple days late and a few dollars short here, but i just wanted to let you know that i totally also appreciate your "raw" posting, as anonymous said above.

holidays are hard. and stressful. and sometimes i just don't understand how people can be so thoughtless and selfish...even a parent. it is tough when they take on a different role in our lives. perhaps that's what she's struggling with, and doesn't know how to deal with that.

you're such a lovely person and you so deserve a stress-free, loving holiday. amongst other things. :)

Michelle said...

Way after the fact, here I stumble in.

Your feelings are absolutely valid.

Right or wrong, so are hers.

It has be nearly impossible to not take this personally, B. I don't think that I could respond any differently than you did either.

But, that being said, her feelings must spring from something very personal to her and she may not (ever) be able to share whatever that is. It may not have anything at all to do with you at all. That bites but there's really no way around it unless she decides to come clean with you about whatever it is.

I think that, with time, your brilliant brain will somehow makes this right with your aching heart. At least that's what I hope happens for you.