Sunday, December 13, 2009

Act 2, scene 4

And we move on to anger...

Tonight there was a nation-wide ceremony to honor and remember children of all ages who are missed by parents, grandparents and siblings. At 7:00 pm, we were to light a candle and remember our lost loved ones.

So I lit a candle. And I put an electric candle in the Bug's window, where I intend to keep it until I finally accept that she's not coming home.

But no words would come. Mr. Bean and Daisy Mae couldn't talk either. We all just stood there and stared at the candle.

And then I got angry.

I went to K's room and just screamed at the walls. I grabbed at pillows and stuffed animals, trying to find some trace of her somewhere. I paced the room like a caged animal, desperate to find an escape hatch. I laid on her bed and raged and cried until I thought I would break open and melt into the sheets. I willed myself to shatter into a million pieces and blow away. Why, I screamed. Why, why, why did you make me love her so much, if you were just going to take her away?! I never wanted to have kids to begin with! I was totally ambivalent about parenting! Why did you teach me to love being a parent so much if you weren't going to let me keep doing it??? Why did you make her so good if she wasn't going to stay??? WHY???!!!!!

The pillows, the walls, the stuffed animals, the Pokemon posters -- all, predictably, said nothing. The candle continued to flicker, silently and patiently, on the table. The cat regarded me with crooked-headed curiosity.

My rage melted into exhaustion.

So this is anger.


Alison said...

I don't know what to say to you. What I do know is that this is part of the process. Sending love your way.

Anonymous said...

Nothing I can say - words cannot take away this kind of pain - so I'll just leave a comment in support of you and your family. You're always in our thoughts and prayers.

Sue said...

I read...i dont understand...i look into my heart...i cry..i thing about you...i think about my life...i dont understand...she died on my birthday...right after you wished me a nice one...i dont like this season...i dont want to do xmas this year...i am crabby..i am short with my kids...i am trying to figure this out..i want to comfort you. I am lost...i can't imagine what you are...hugs and luv sent your way this evening..

bhd said...

You are brave. You can open up to the unutterable pain, and you can let it out with rage.

You are fearless.

And I am glad for that, for you.

But seriously? Why is my verification word wartico?

Unknown said...

So. I go searching the internet for some words of wisdom for you and I find this little gem on a site about the 7 stages of grief:

"Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. "

SERIOUSLY? What I pile of CRAP! I had to throw my computer across the room in anger and then borrow a new one from tech support. I think I will skip the internet-self-help sections and just tell you again, I love you.

Just keep feeling the feelings. They are yours and they need to be let out. But you already know that...

Peace and Love

Lisse said...


Ellie Creek Ellis said...

Once I start reading your blog, air isn't released from my lungs until the last words are processed...your strength is unbelievable. Thank you for sharing.

ResearchGuy® said...

The fact you overcame your ambivalence of being a parent tells me The Bug taught you well, and still has a lot to teach you yet. Roll with whatever happens, and thank God for the opportunity to share with us. We've always got your back, even if its only to smile and nod.