Monday, November 30, 2009

Numb

The human mind is a curious thing. In times of extreme stress, we can block out all but the necessities. We can become "comfortably numb" as Pink Floyd would tell us.

That's where I am today.

This morning dawned cruelly sunny and bright again today, and it took my breath away as I walked the dogs. As I have several times over the years, I found the morning walk in the woods was my time to grieve acutely, and the tears flowed without courage.

The rest of the day has been taken up with a thousand plans and preparations, tasks, diversions, phone calls. We had to pick out Kiersten's casket, the calling cards, the photos for the funeral home, the tiny pieces of jewelry where we will keep minute bits of her ashes. There was a news crew in our driveway when we arrived home. Part of the "new normal" for now, I guess. There were news crews in the driveways at my in-laws home and my father's home as well.

I was angry about that at first, but the media has, for a change, treated a tragedy with some respect. In a very odd way, this intrusion into our lives, this public grieving, has brought us some comfort.

But now, when the house is once again too quiet, I am feeling calm. Strangely so. Tomorrow, we will begin the marathon process of visiting hours, then the funeral. I expect it all to be a blur. This numbness will carry me for the time being.

God, I miss her. I miss her so much.

14 comments:

Xeric said...

DAMN I wish I could hug you. . . .

Ms. Creek said...

forever, you will miss her and forever i hope you find some comfort in her memories. i wished i could do something to ease your pain...

Ms. Creek said...

and beanie, in this very difficult time, thank you for keeping in touch with us all...

bhd said...

You're getting up and greeting the day. That's huge, Beth. Calm is okay - it's not a betrayal. It's not lack of feeling. It's a rest. Just a rest, a break.

Remember what I said: comfortable shoes. Rest. Eat. Tag team with family members. Be kindest to your husband and daughter, and let others take care of you.

Remind yourself it's just two days to get through. Then the ceremony. And then remember we're ALL HERE FOR YOU - ALL THE TIME! You have my numbers. Use them if you need to.

Alison said...

Beanie. I'm just sending love your way.

winter said...

BHD is very wise. (No surprise there.) And we are all very much here for you.

edieraye said...

Love you.

themommarocks said...

Love and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Beth, we love you and will see you on Thursday. We're with you through that day and beyond.
Stephanie and Sean

Bryan said...

Beth,
No words that I posess can convey the concern and sympathy that I have for you and your family. I have given this much thought over the past days. I know that your sorrow will never expire, so that your love will have a place to rest. God bless you and your family my friend.

Mississippi Songbird said...

Much love for you..

Jrzy said...

Listen to Cathy. Good words.
We are here for you and your family.
Take care,
Terry and Mark.

Scott Larsen said...

We love you, Beanie.

Anonymous said...

What BHD said...a multitude of us are holding you aloft 24/7, Beth...all you have to do is breath {{{endless hugs}}}

Susan/Exit2Eden