That's mostly what's going on inside my head lately.
My job depends on having external funding, in the form of grants. In order to keep my job, I have to successfully write grants. And have them funded. Most years, this isn't a huge hairy deal. I write several grants each year, a couple of them fund and voila! I get to keep working.
This year is a bit different. I ended up putting a lot of eggs in a couple of very large baskets that would keep me fed and happy for about the next five years (and which are, incidentally, for projects I felt unbelievably passionate about). It took an immense number of hours, but the payoffs were worth it. At least that's what I thought at the time.
Now, I'm not so sure. I haven't heard about the biggest of these grants, and the two smaller (but still sizable) ones are probably tied to the success of the first one. If it doesn't come through, I could easily end up stranded. Not the best sitch for sole wage-earner mom...
Enter Plan B.
I got a call back in October from a large, public multi-national here in town, wherein the recruiter dropped a FABULOUS job into my lap. "Here you go." 20K raise. Stock. Fascinating work that I am well suited to do. They really need me and they would really appreciate me. The work would set me up to be working part-time as a consultant from home, making the same money, inside of five years. It's the key to my long-term plan.
Yeah, so what's the catch?? The travel. Probably 2 nights a week away from home and probably one week out of every six overseas.
I have a seven-year-old child who has some unique needs. And I have a husband who has battled depression for...well, just about forever. He tries. He takes his meds. But sometimes, despite best efforts, he falls off the edge pretty fast.
I love that this job will set me up to be doing the best for everyone in the next few years, but I'm wondering how much of the next few years (the last of the best of my daughter's 'easy years') it would cost me. I wish I could see six months into the future and know whether or not we'll all be OK.
But then I wonder how well I can care for a family while I'm out of work, or having to downsize to a job that only pays 2/3 of what I'm making now.
I have a week to make a decision.
I wish to hell I knew the right answer. I wish I had a sign.