Monday, March 22, 2010

nothing left to hide behind

Dear Bug,

You've been gone four months now. Things here are awfully hard right now. There aren't any holidays, or milestones, or excuses to hide behind anymore. There is no shock now to make us feel like you've just taken a vacation. I'm not quietly, secretly convinced that you're going to walk back in the door, any minute now. There's just a great big hole in our lives where you used to be.

I haven't touched your room. Your bed is still unmade. In those first few weeks, I was still shocked to see that you were not there. Now I'm just overwhelmingly, profoundly sad.

I'm worried about your Daddy. He doesn't seem to want to do anything, or see anyone. I'm worried that he's going to give up, that he's not going to finish school. Baby, if you could give him a sign, any sign, that you want him to pick up and start living again, I know he could use it.

I'm scared, Bug. I'm scared that your memories are going to fade. I'm scared that some day, I will come across your Winnie-the-Pooh washcloth, but I won't be able to remember how soft your skin was, or how much you loved being SuperPidge in the hooded towel, or the sound of your laugh. I'm scared that some day, I won't be able to remember the night we sat under the big maple tree over by the school and you told be about the worst school day ever and you read me your poetry book and we figured out how to make the world better together. Those memories are all I have left of you and I'm so very terrified of losing them.

I'm sorry, sweetlove. I don't mean to dump on you. Baby, I hope that heaven is, well...heavenly. And I don't want you to worry too much. I know we're going to be OK in time. It's just that right now, it's a bit of a walk through hell down here. So if you have a bit of comfort to send to us, just a small sign that reminds us that your spirit is still here and that you know how much we miss you, we sure could use it right now.

I love you, sweet baby, and I miss you so much.

17 comments:

bhd said...

I have no words. So I'll just type the verification word:

comimm.

Anonymous said...

Get a new journal. Anytime you think of a memory involving Bug, write it down right away. Hell...if you are driving and can't write, carry a voice-recorder and whenever and wherever you are, talk about a memory you have of Bug. Have S do the same.

skindy said...

I have no doubt that these little nonsequitur memories will continue to pop up and surprise (and comfort) you for many, many years to come. Hugs.

Alison said...

Keep writing the little memories down. Even if you're in a meeting. Jot it down.

You will be okay in time. But even when you are okay, don't stop writing things down.

Sue said...

ahhh...the memories of life...so good to remember...so very good for the soul..hard but good..Breath, inhale, then gently release...a saying on my lamp...xos

Anonymous said...

Beth, thinking about you, every.day.
OxxO
meow

Anonymous said...

Please talk to S and see if you two need to see a counselor to help S (and you) get out of the funk he is in. He needs a push.

Susan said...

Beth, It's the hardest thing, to just "be". I don't know how to help you or Steve, but if it's OK with you, I'll just sit with you both in my thoughts, holding your hands.

Susan

Beanie said...

J, we're both seeing a (the same) grief counselor. It's still hard as hell. But thanks.

K8 (short for Kate) said...

We love you. I think I'll throw my verification word out there also since I can't find any good ones of my own: psyngin.

Anonymous said...

{{{Hugs}}}

Justine's HouseWreck said...

For S, for you, for DM, for the home that you still make together...

Kristin's Life as wife and mom said...

This physically leaves my heart feeling broken, and a lump in my throat. Words can not express how you must feel. Life is a vapor that we tend to take for granted. Who's to say that anyday with our children will or won't be our last? As a mommy, my heart breaks for you. Your family has been on our prayer list at church.

Kristin, Lauri's daughter.

anica said...

I just read your journal and I am saddened by your loss.

:hug: Anica

toidit

surflife said...

Winston Churchill once said "If you're going through hell, keep walking" - that is all you can do - my heart breaks for you my thouhghts will keep you safe.

Debster said...

Much love to you and Steve, and a big hug for DM, and who is Bluebelle? This is a new one sinc I was there, sometimes I wish I still was, Take gentle care of yourself and the others, Me

Debster said...

Remember her and the boots, and only wanting to wear footies like her dad, and her bath fizzies and her bath crayons and carrying Gigi around her neck and making the cat little beds in boxes. Remember when her hair was straighter and her nice cut that layed so beautifully and she and Selena making the family room into a hideout tunnel room. K was obcessed with her DS and her favorite character Pokemon. Think of her saving all that money in the secret place, that kid could have taught me how to save money.
Remember when she was teething as a baby and you used to give her pieces of celery to gnaw on. think of the red velvet pillow and her long piece of velour and her "boxes" she used to have to carry around and take to bed with her. And the wonderful fact that you, Beth, handmade all her halloween costumes for K over the years, Think of the trips to the metroparks and all the trips to the zoo, could never get enough of the zoo,
Think of how much she had matured and was doing so much better in school, getting good grades and her mature conversations she could carry on, and the spider outside the front window that she and her dad would watch, and stopping on the sidewalk on her way in to tell me that the bee outside was pollinating the flowers. Remember the stuffed owl in her room that I used to turn around eveyweek not knowing that she was afraid of that owl "watching" her, she was an amazing little thing, such a loving little kid, I always got a great big hug and a Miss Debbie, even though I knew you were teaching her manners, I always felt funny with her calling me that. And she liked the pizza rolls I made on crescent rolls and I always took her some if I made them. There are so many memories, you have them tucked inside your heart, you just don't realize it now, but you will. She was unforgettable. And you will hold all her memories close to you for now and always, Love you guys, Deb