Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Things that suck

I wrecked my pretty little blue truck the other day. Yes, yes; I'm fine. More importantly, the other guy is fine. All things considered, I was very lucky that the aftermath was more inconvenience than anything.

But my festive blue mini SUV? The one that gets 30 MPG? The one over which I was suffering all that guilt and angst less than a year ago? It's boo-boo'd. Its little nose is all dented in. Makes me sad.

Then, this morning, I had to preside over Annie's job termination. It sure as hell wasn't something I wanted to do. It was unavoidable, however, as many things have come to light in the last two months that have fundamentally changed the landscape for that organization. All through the conversation, she kept looking at me, as though I could somehow wave a wand and make this all better. I couldn't.

But again, the fact that we all were there, at that table, being forced to do that deed, underscored for me that I just hadn't done enough to forestall or avoid the situation. That I hadn't seen it coming soon enough. That I had failed, despite best intent and effort.

I am bothered by this dichotomy of feeling like a failure at a time when others perceive me as being a success. I have been working too much, trying to multi-task too often, forcing myself to be "on" too much of the time. I think it was about a year ago that I stated the need to slow down; I haven't been too successful at that. Much to the contrary, in fact. I often feel as though I'm drowning in a sea of tasks and deadlines. Things fall off my plate. I am over-committed, yet I am having a hard time saying 'no', and I am usually criticised for those few instances when I do say no.

There hasn't been a single family member -- husband, daughter, mother, dad and step-mom, in-laws -- (or close friend, for that matter), who hasn't expressed to me, in one way or another, that I am not reliable for them lately. They don't see me as having the time to be fully present for them.

And yet, I don't know how to escape from this. I have to support my family for another two years; that's my reality. And the others who come to me for help really need my help. "I don't know who else to turn to for this." I hear it all the time.

I want to know how some people maintain this kind of schedule and still manage to keep their centers. If any of you know, clue me in, OK?

Because I'm sucking at this.


Flat Stanley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bhd said...

Oops. That was from me.

And I said: They find reliable underlings and delegate. And I'll add that's probably how you'll groom your replacement when you're kicked upstairs, too.

Good luck Bean. I know this juggling thing is hard. Killing the car might be the wake-up call.

Anonymous said...

All I can do is give you a hug. Or several.

Beanie said...


Bummer; I was kinda diggin' on having Flat Stanley comment on my blog. lol

bhd said...

Got it. I'm chopped liver. Fine.

Beanie said...

Dear "Chopped",

We are most delighted to have your comments and input. Hooray for you.

However, as it always the case, there is a certain air of excitement to having made a connection with someone new. Keeps things "fresh", you know?

Now where did I leave that daiquiri?


winter said...

I think BHD's right. You delegate. You say "no" when you're already stretched thinner than you'd like. Maybe you focus on the satisfaction of accomplishment instead of the thrill of involvement.

And I think I get what you're saying about having to let Annie go. It took me some time to get over feeling like a failure when my whole team got laid off.

If I can help, I'm here. *hug*

perredic (adj.) - of or pertaining to the feeling of confusion experienced by a French dog spoken to in Portuguese. From the Old Norse pferthik "bored to the point of nausea".

Ellie Creek Ellis said...

It does really suck when things that don't really matter take your immediate and lots of attention and chews up the time from your loved ones. It is emotionally draining for you, I know. Been there. It hurts. You have a financial responsibility and a family responsibility and one or the other feels shorted. Family matters most, but but have to cut somewhere...even when it doesn't feel possible.

Mkae said...

Hey B.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm in the same situation. I"m going through a house sale and purchase, trying to get my mom moved down here, and juggling far more tasks at work than one person should ever be given. I have asked four times now for an assistant to help me and was told to wait until next fiscal. Now, I'm told that although my workload will triple next year, there's no money in the budget for headcount. I just have to do better with what I have. Yep.

I don't know how to end the cycle either. If you get a good answer, pass it along to me.

Hugs from afar.

moulton said...

this is why you got sick, i'd bet. i'm sorry you're so overloaded and feeling like you can't be all to everyone. i wish you could take a break from all of it and just recharge for yourself. other people need to be present for themselves (hard to do, yeah) and not rely on you all the time. easier said than done. i have no advice. but i wish you the best. and a much needed break. and lots of love from me.