Thursday, June 21, 2007

Fear of flying

Because of a number of circumstances, I started back to graduate school this week. The program is in Biosciences Entrepreneurship, which is a perfect fit for me. I’ll end up with both an MBA and an MS at the end of the next 15 months or so. So this is good.

But there’s a part of me that is still scared to death. I started, and abandoned, a medical school career and two Ph.D. programs twenty years ago. I am always tempted to brush these failures off and attribute them to commitment-phobia. But this program has made me start to take a hard look at my life and more importantly, my character flaws.

What if I dropped out of these programs because I was just too damned lazy to put the work in? I mean really: for all that I’ve achieve a lot in my career, it’s mostly been through having a gift for convincing people that I’m right. Any real measurable achievements have only come through winning incremental battles against my inner slacker.

Or what if I just wasn’t talented enough to finish and my inner safety cut-off pulled me out before I had a chance to fail?

Now, I’m going back to graduate school and doing it at a time when I have a VERY full-time job that is looking to expand, and …oh did I mention?...when I have a school-age child at home.

It’s going to be a lot of hard work, and I’m scared to death that I’m going to bail just because it’s too much. And I’ll never know if I could have done it.


bhd said...

And of course you know your fear and doubts are all quite normal and natural. I felt that way about doing the Master Gardener training, believe it or not. You're going to be so jazzed about school that your inner slacker will stfu, as will those other voices that aren't serving you well right now.

*hugs* and lots of 'em.

newwavegurly said...

First, I don't think that I knew you had a blog. I'm happy to have come across it.

About the new foray into education... you would be surprised how much more focused and determined you are going to be as an adult student as compared to when you were younger. I was a much better student in graduate school than undergraduate (about 11 years between when I graduated with my BFA and when I began school to get my MFA).

You can do it, Beanie. I know you can, and you'll do great.

winter said...

I think I know what you mean.

But you can do this, and excel at it.

Knock 'em dead!

Unknown said...

I totally know what you mean sweetie... and I suspect that you're under-recognizing your prior achievements and successes.

These are perfectly natural fears, I think everyone (probably) has them when they undertake a new challenge.

I know that I believe in you, completely... and have no doubt that you will persevere through and emerge shining.

*hug* *smooch* *hug*

Beanie said...

You guys are awesome. Really.

So it's so far so good. I got a 95 on my first exam and the evaluations on my first guest lecture were pretty positive.

So we'll see. The tough part hasn't started yet.