Friday, November 25, 2016


Dear Bug,

How is Heaven? What is it like?  Does everyone really get their own version? There is not a day that goes by that I don't want to ask you something. I find myself wanting to ask your opinion about things going on down here and whether you can see it all and whether I am seeing the world clearly or if my sight is too strongly filtered by my opinions and fears.  I want to see if you find the same things funny that I do.  I want to try to absorb some of that childlike wisdom and lack of cynicism that you always carried with you. I guess because when I feel your spirit it seems so little like that of a child, that I figure we all get to "grow up" finally when we leave this earth.  Maybe because when you were on this earth, you sometimes seemed not to really be a little kid, but rather some incredibly wise old being who was just out playing for the sheer joy of it. But maybe not.  Maybe just the faith of a child in her mother makes me tap into wisdom I didn't know was there.

So much has changed this year.  Both of your grandpas are with you now.  So is Angus.  I'm sure he appreciates being able to play again. Grandma is in Florida.  She could use an extra hug; her life has changed so much.  Serena misses you terribly too; she has a lot of changes in the works in her life as well. See if you can wrap her up for a few seconds, OK? 

My heart still breaks for missing you. I miss everything that was and will never be and sometimes I still feel like I will drown in the missing of you.  I told you a few years back that the day will come when you will have been gone from my life longer than you were here.  Oh, how I dread the coming of that day.  Maybe I'm afraid I won't be allowed to miss you anymore then, and I'll be diminished for lacking the pain. I don't know.

Bug, if you know how to work the collective consciousness and wisdom up there, see if you can send me a bit of it. There are so many things that are a struggle right now and I could really use a guiding star to navigate it all.  Help me live my life in a way that would make you proud, OK?

Today, I'll focus extra long on your laugh, your smile, your goofy word games and the feel of your hugs.  And then I'll turn on the tuna fountain for the Foosas and the Aslans.

Love you, Bug.